The night of the roach It had been a long day out and I was eager to relax for the rest of the evening. So, maybe I had only been walking the strand, visiting the beach, and shopping, but I had to do it with my family, and that took energy. Especially when that family included my grandmother. I swear, she told everyone from the waiter to the parking meter about that one time we all rented a beach house and raised my cousin Ben’s boxers up on the flag pole. And this invariably led to the story of my epic bowling fail, which she also found hilarious. All while Ben and I listened. She even told us specifically at least twice each. But I digress. Needless to say, I was ready for some “Me Time”. So, the second my feet crossed the threshold of my house, I ran up to my room with my purchases for the day. Since my bedroom is the scene of this story, I will spend a moment to describe it to you. The first thing you see upon entering my room is my great canopied bed. It’s hard to miss being lavender colored with various jungle animals hanging on it. And while I will be taking the animals with me when I move, the purple cloth will be tragically lost sometime during transportation and I will be forced to buy a new one. Perhaps one with a few less ruffles. I digress again. The bed itself typically houses anywhere from three to seven stuffed animals at any one time along with two pillows and two blankets. In short: my bed is crowded but extremely cozy. The second thing you probably would notice about my room is the array of dolls staring at you while you stand in the center. Near the ceiling is a shelf that spans the length of two walls and it’s crammed with porcelain dolls of all shapes and sizes. Yeah, if you have watched “Chucky” recently you may want to avoid my room. It’s not for the faint of heart. The only other thing of minor importance would be the night stand and the floor immediately surrounding it. While the rest of my room is clean and fairly ordered, this area is generally littered with various books, electronics, papers, and possibly snacks when I bring them. So, upon entering my room, I went to my bed, set my purchases down, arranged my pillows comfortably, and grabbed my laptop. My office of entertainment had just been made. For my first mission, I took stock of my purchases. I bought things from the only store that mattered on the strand: a used bookstore and the only one I had seen in months. To prepare for the next month or two of being literarily stranded, I bought 5 books and an audiotape: three books by my favorite author, one new fantasy I wanted to try, one mystery novel set in 1920’s Japan, and the Wicked audiotape. I arranged all of these carefully next to me on the bed. My second mission was to start a Skype chat with my friend Taylor. So I sat back against the pillows and put my laptop on my lap. The conversation, while initially starting off normal, ended up going something like this: Taylor: HOLY CRAP A ROACH! Taylor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Me: XD Taylor: THIS ISNT A LAUGHING MATTER Taylor: IT IS LIFE OR DEATH Taylor: ...of my sleep time Taylor: it’s in my room...somewhere....I saw it under my bed and now there's no waay i can sleep in my room Me: just move everything away from the wall Taylor: my room is so cramped, everything IS by the wall Me: I mean like your covers and stuff Me: and sleep completely covered Taylor: its waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too hot for that Me: then put a fan on Taylor: how will a ceiling fan help for a roach on the floor? Taylor: HOLY HELL Taylor: IT WAS ON MY BED Me: step on it Taylor: WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Taylor: D: Me: KILL IT KILL IT Taylor: .....there are 2 Taylor: ...there are 2 roaches...in my room... Me: D: Taylor: excuse me while I burn the house down Me: KILL THEM ALLL Taylor: I’m getting the gasoline Me: good luck Of course I was cracking up the entire time. While I sympathized with her cockroach fear, the entire situation was extravagantly cartoonish. I could picture everything that was happening in her room and then some. It was even funnier because it wasn’t me. While she disappeared from the web for a while, I decided to check a few sites. The first of which was 64 Digits, probably the most awesome site on the internet with the debatably the most awesome people. I only add debatably because I haven’t ever actually met any of them. For all I knew, they could ALL be creepy internet stalkers out to get my name and address. Oh wait, I gave them my name, and my address probably isn’t too hard to find. Well, to all you internet stalkers out there, I know where and how to hit most of your pressure points, how to escape almost any hold, how to use a gun (did I mention I’m from Texas?), and I have very little money under my name. So, all in all I’m not worth the trouble I’d put you through. To be fair though, for being on the internet, only a small number of them have creeped me out and all of those were banned. It sounds like one of them even banned himself (couldn’t resist). I should ask Steve to verify. And the digressing continues… I began going down the list, checking and reading blogs: Art, game update (interesting), writing contest (I should probably start on this story sometime), another game update (I’m not sure I even understand this one, I believe it uses a language known as “programming” and I’m not qualified to understand it), DRAMA (that occasionally disappears from the list, Oh dear), another writing contest (I actually have written for this one and I have somehow managed a position that is both ahead of everybody else in word count and behind what I should be, I think it must have something to do with the site and its slogan), an internet rant (some things in this world just need to go fix themselves), and the list goes on. Partway through my musings, however, I noticed something black moving within inches of me between myself and the wall. My first reaction was to spend a few mille-seconds mentally freaking out. “Oh Sweet Mother of God! THERE’S A FLIPPING ROACH IN MY BED…WITH ME!” The next few were devoted to taking note of the situation. “Oh God, oh God, oh God… I can’t spring off the bed with my laptop pinning me down and the thing is like two inches from me. If I move too much there is no telling what it will do.” And on another level of thought… “Karma, Baby!” I then proceeded to solve both issues at once. My fist actual movement was to plop my laptop on the roach in one smooth movement. That mother ducking arthropod never knew what hit it. There was nothing at all smooth or coordinated about my second set of movements, though. Finally released of my burdenous laptop, I was free to do I what I wanted to most; fling myself from my bed (which is not simple matter, my bed being almost 3 feet off the ground). And fling I did, squealing the entire time. It was probably one of the most ungraceful motions I have ever had the misfortune to make. Heedless of any obstacles, I tried to get my entire body off the bed at once and while my torso succeeded (scattering books, charger cord and anything else in my way), I had forgotten my legs were wrapped in a blanket. The result was me landing on my elbows with my legs still in the bed. I then had no choice but to drag the rest of me off, blanket and all. I stubbed quite a few toes in the process. Finally free, I crawled away. I didn’t look back until I was safely on my feet and had the ability to run if necessary. Only then did I return to find the roach’s true location. I carefully began to move things on my bed and, much to my surprise and disconcertment, I realized that there was no roach on my bed. Glancing around, I tried to think where it might have gotten to in such a short amount of time. In my search, my eyes and thoughts rested on my charger tip which I knew I dragged out of the bed with me. Could this all have been a hilarious mistake? An overreaction to a perceived threat? “Taylor is going to have a field day with this…” That’s when I saw it. It was crawling across the floor, limping away from my discarded blanket, away from me. Noting the sign of weakness, ‘Zena, warrior princess’ mode kicked in and I ran into my closet for a boot. Armed with the greatest roach slaying weapon of all time, I returned to the field of battle and approached my opponent cautiously, mindful of my bare feet and how close they would have to get. Once in position, I raised the boot and smashed it down, grinding it into the carpet with all my strength. When I figured I had done enough I lifted the boot and to my horror, it was still crawling. “Holy shitake mushrooms, no wonder they survived an apocalypse; they’re immortal!” But I could not suffer this evil to exist in my realm. I could not allow it to spread its imaginary diseases. So after squealing, hopping away, and performing a dance that I would like to think of as an ancient and powerful ritual meant to summon courage down upon the great warriors of the past. I brought the boot down and ground it around again and again. By the time I was through the roach was in about five pieces. “I’d like to see you walk away from that one, you son of a banshee.” I noted a nasty liquid on the bottom of my boot and dropped it, next to its victim. I then calmly retrieved my laptop and books and left the room for matches.